Night Time

Right now its 8:04 pm. I am turning on the tv to watch the people choice awards. I find that by doing this i am a huge procraster. I need to be doing my math and chem because I need to but i dont care about them or schoool at all. I dont, i find it like jail instead of a learning enivorment.

This past few days people have been asking me about winter ball. if i am going??? my anwser is no. I tell them i hate dresses and makeup and that i have others things to do. I tell them the same thing for prom when they ask if i am going to that. I am so scarred to tell them the truth. That i want to go so badly. I wanted to be homecoming queen and prom queen. There i said it. I keep thinking about what a loner i am. I wiill be the only one home and bored to death. I dont go because of the thing i fear more than spiders and snakes, Boys. I am scarred to death. I have had so many bad experiences that i am scarred to death to be around. I start going into panic attacks. I enivison me( in my current body state) in a dress. Them starting to look and stare, and saying look at the fat ugly bitch. Them saying my face is ugly and digusting. And then throwing food at me and saying eat it u fat pig. Then just constaly laughing at me and throwing up at the sight at me. My self-estseem is down to a fat blank zero. I just can seem to bring it up.

If i was to go to prom or winterball. I envison this if a nice plain black dress with sleeves and full. Then some nice cowboy boots and my black felt cowboy hat. Thats the way i would go. to me that is simple enough for me. I may not rodeo or barrel rance or do 4-h, but i am a cowgirl at heart. I love the west. TO me i am a tomboy but also i am a woman at the same time.